Radical Forgivness

 “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

It is clear to me that an important piece of work I must do to let go of the pain in my heart, is to forgive. I carry around anger at others and it makes me the victim. And it makes be continue to be the victim, long after they have probably forgotten about it. I need to let go so I can lighten my heart.

There are many different processes of forgiveness. I have tried simple things like just imagining myself to have forgiven. I have tried deep cathartic process such as writing angry letters, and bashing dolls symbolizing the person. I have also tried a year of therapy to get in touch with my feelings. Each has brought short relief, with the anger eventually returning. I obviously have more work to do in this area.

A beautiful process is set out in a favorite blog Zen Habits.

1. Commit to letting go. You aren’t going to do it in a second or maybe not even in a day. It can take time to get over something. So commit to changing, because you recognize that the pain is hurting you.

2. Think about the pros and cons. What problems does this pain cause you? Does it affect your relationship with this person? With others? Does it affect work or family? Does it stop you from pursuing your dreams, or becoming a better person? Does it cause you unhappiness? Think of all these problems, and realize you need to change. Then think of the benefits of forgiveness — how it will make you happier, free you from the past and the pain, improve things with your relationships and life in general.

3. Realize you have a choice. You cannot control the actions of others, and shouldn’t try. But you can control not only your actions, but your thoughts. You can stop reliving the hurt, and can choose to move on. You have this power. You just need to learn how to exercise it.

4. Empathize. Try this: put yourself in that person’s shoes. Try to understand why the person did what he did. Start from the assumption that the person isn’t a bad person, but just did something wrong. What could he have been thinking, what could have happened to him in the past to make him do what he did? What could he have felt as he did it, and what did he feel afterward? How does he feel now? You aren’t saying what he did is right, but are instead trying to understand and empathize.

5. Understand your responsibility. Try to figure out how you could have been partially responsible for what happened. What could you have done to prevent it, and how can you prevent it from happening next time? This isn’t to say you’re taking all the blame, or taking responsibility away from the other person, but to realize that we are not victims but participants in life.

6. Focus on the present. Now that you’ve reflected on the past, realize that the past is over. It isn’t happening anymore, except in your mind. And that causes problems — unhappiness and stress. Instead, bring your focus back to the present moment. What are you doing now? What joy can you find in what is happening right now? Find the joy in life now, as it happens, and stop reliving the past. Btw, you will inevitably start thinking about the past, but just acknowledge that, and gently bring yourself back to the present moment.

7. Allow peace to enter your life. As you focus on the present, try focusing on your breathing. Imagine each breath going out is the pain and the past, being released from your body and mind. And imagine each breath coming in is peace, entering you and filling you up. Release the pain and the past. Let peace enter your life. And go forward, thinking no longer of the past, but of peace and the present.

8. Feel compassion. Finally, forgive the person and realize that in forgiveness, you are allowing yourself to be happy and move on. Feel empathy for the person and wish happiness on them. Let love for them, and life in general, grow in your heart. It may take time, but if you’re stuck on this point, repeat some of the ones above until you can get here.

 This would work well as a recorded meditation that could be done in 10 minutes for each person who needs to be forgiven. I think part of the reason I have not totally forgiven yet is that I have not worked on forgiveness in a structured way over a significant duration of time.

This may be work I need to focus on for the first quarter of the year. 


Today I am working with the book Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping. It is 3.5 hours in the audiobook format.

Here is what I learnt

• It is based on the idea, from a spiritual point of view, nothing wrong ever happens so there is nothing to forgive. 
• Traditional forgiveness is based on the concept of being a victim because something wrong was done to us.
• Radical forgiveness is based on the concept that at a spiritual level we are complicit in bringing about what occurred so that we could grow; we are not a victim but a student.  
• It is important to acknowledge what you world view/spirituality is so that this can fit in with ones paradigm. I related most with paradigm three, and a bit four.This means I might over use my intellectual abilities to understand the process rather than start actually doing the activities. 
•  Every action is an expression of love or a call for love. 
• Need to believe in some overarching intelligence that is working in our lives. 
• This is not an intellectual process, and it this part of ourselves need not be engaged. 
• There is no need to believe in the new paradigm; you can "fake it until you make it".

Key assumptions in the new paradigm 

1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. Things don't happen to us; but for us. 
3. Live is not a random set of events; there is a divine plan. 
4. Need to trust our inner knowing. Surrender to the idea that reality is bigger than we can comprehend. Our spiritual intelligence can know.
5. Our soul has chosen to incarnate into this life to know oneness through experiencing separation. 
6. We have spiritual amnesia until we awaken to the knowledge that we are spiritual beings having a human experiences. 
7. Our spiritual intelligence will keep creating opportunities for us to learn our key lessons so we can awaken to the truth of connectedness. These people who we may have felt harm us are angels in disguise, they mirror for us what we hate in ourselves. If you spot it you got it. 
8. People are mirrors, and life it also a mirror. Look at what is showing up in your life to know your unconscious beliefs. 
9. It just is. There is no right or wrong.
10. The world out there is a projection of the inner world. God is love, and god is in us.
11. We are not just the effect, but we are also the cause. We shape the world. When we trust it and go with it, it works. 

 Activities

The first two activities introduced are:

1. A guided set of questions (done with eyes open or closed) which takes about five minutes. There questions can be found here.  
2. Filling out a worksheet which can be found here. 

The key lesson that came up for me during these activities was the concept of "being outcast from a social group". This is something that others have done to me which I find difficult to forgive.  Colin would argue that I also do this to others and these experiences are mirrors for me to learn from.

I have completed part 1 of the 3 part audio course. To be continued.